Toroko Got Fingered
by xandermartin98
Summary: In a sort of Freddy Got Fingered mixed with Cave Story scenario, Jack rebuilds King and Toroko into cyborgs and discovers the revived Doctor's new plan to build a giant robot and take over the world. Bringing himself and all of his Mimiga friends down to the Earth's surface, he forms a Mimiga army to combat the Doctor's evil robot army...after learning the Doctor's dark secret.
1. The Six-Million-Dollar Mimigas

There I was, me with my dorky brown Russian hat and my ridiculously oversized green-framed nerd goggles, still living in that crummy old floating sky island, about two weeks after that world-famous day when Quote, a nondescript humanoid robot who dresses like a Pokémon trainer, defeated Jenka's evil brother Ballos and saved our race of cloyingly cute, adorable and cuddly little rabbit people with giant drooping puppy ears from sure destruction.

And my name was...oh, you'll never believe what my name was. Come on, guess. Yup, you guessed right, my name was Jack. One of the most stupid and generic boys' names ever created, but I can live with having it. It's sort of like watching Tom Green try to be funny; it's annoying and lame, sure, but things could definitely be much worse.

One day, word spread that the Doctor, the main villain of Quote's adventure, had somehow returned from the dead, despite the fact that his body had been completely shattered into at least seventeen-and-a-half million pieces, like a mirror when our resident pimply sweaty fatso Mahin looks into it. I certainly wasn't buying it, but at this point, I pretty much just assumed that anything could happen.

Anyway, what you guys really wanna hear about is the robots and lightsabers, right? Well, speaking of which, I somehow managed to rebuild my brother King into a cyborg. The right half of his torso and face is metallic now, and the robotic half of his face has an ominously glowing red eye. Also, he even has a lightsaber now. That is pretty freaking awesome.

Toroko, our vomit-inducingly sweet and adorable little sister, looks pretty much the same way as King does now, except...well...A LOT cuter, obviously. She now has a glowing pink panel to replace her right cheek.

As the theme song to The Six-Million-Dollar Man said, "We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the experience. We will make him better than he was before. Better, faster, stronger. And that man will be..." Well, obviously, you can see where this is going.

Anyway, King and Toroko and I were sitting at a campfire together in Grasstown, eating marshmallows on sticks.

"HA! Who needs matches when you've got HEAT VISION?" King laughed, referencing the fact that he had obviously used his eye laser to light the fire.

"Tee hee! You're aww such adorable widdle cuties!" Toroko said ironically.

"So are you, Toroko, so are you." I sighed.

"Hey, does anybody wanna do the Chubby Bunny Chawwenge?" Toroko asked with a smile, blushing and giggling.

"Oh, GOD, no! Please! Not again! I BEG of you!" I begged her, getting down on my knees and praying to God that she wouldn't force me into doing this again.

Toroko started crying. "WHY WON'T ANYBODY PWAY WIF ME!?" she broke down into sobbing, with her glimmering, sparkly, beady little puppy-dog eyes in full force.

"Now look what you did, you made my little baby cry!" King scolded me. "Shame on you!"

"Hmph..." I thought to myself. "She is, like, 14, you know..."

Sure enough, King fed her a "cookie wookie" which luckily calmed her down.

"YAY! I WUV SWEETIE WEETIES! OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!" she squealed with joy, bouncing up and down with excitement and curling up into a big fuzzy fur ball as she nibbled on her chocolate-chip cookie like a little baby bunny, making ear-piercingly adorable squeaky noises while she did so.

"Well, if she says so, I guess I have to do it..." I groaned, taking a bag of marshmallows and stuffing them into my mouth.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Toroko fell over onto the floor laughing. "Look at the funny face! Look at his funny face! TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

"Vureh furneh..." I mumbled through all the marshmallows in my mouth, chewing them and swallowing them painfully while Toroko rolled on the floor and busted out into tears laughing; I have to admit, I wanted to punch her in the face so badly that it actually hurts me to think about it in retrospect.

"Aww, that's my widdle princess." King complimented her, giving her yet ANOTHER fricking cookie and hugging her like a teddy bear before setting her back down right next to her actual teddy bear.

"King, COME ON!" I pleaded to him desperately, flopping down on my belly and clinging onto his legs. "Toroko's WAY too old to be THIS f****** cutesy-wutesy! For Christ's sake, just send her to boot camp or something! At least it'll teach her how to survive in the modern world for crying out loud!"

"You know what? You're right!" King realized. "This girl needs more than just potty-training! Speaking of which, I also need to stop feeding her so many goddamned sweets, as it gives her nasty tummy-aches!"

"But I WUV having yummy-yummy yummies in my chubby-wubby tummy!" Toroko whined. "Also, I don't wanna go to boot camp, I'm too scaiwed! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she started bawling.

"Don't worry, it's okay, it's okay, daddy's here for you." King reassured her, hugging her and patting her gently.

"I'm sowwy..." she sniffled. "I just don't wanna die!" she wailed.

"Don't worry, my dear, boot camp isn't so bad, I promise!" King informed her as she nuzzled his left ear. "Have fun, my little cupcake!"

"Goodbye, daddy!" Toroko waved goodbye as she walked off to boot camp.

ONE WEEK LATER...

"So, how was boot camp?" King asked.

"It was great, Daddy!" Toroko informed him happily. "I wearned how to skin innocent cweatures awive for food! See this cute widdle squiwwel here? Wook at what I'm about to do with it!"

"Awound and wound the flower farm, the bunny chased the squiwwel! The bunny thought 'twas all in fun! Pop! Goes the squiwwel." Toroko sang merrily as she cut the headless squirrel's guts out with a Swiss Army Knife and ate them raw, blood dripping down her chubby, fluffy, rabid face.

"Umm, are you sure this was a good idea?" King whispered into my left ear.

"Oh, don't worry, she's harmless! Well, to us, at least." I whispered back into his right ear.

"Alright, that's it, you asked for this!" King whispered back to me, putting his right index finger in his mouth and extending it up my ear canal. "EEW, stop it!" I wailed, flailing my arms up and down like a hummingbird.

"You win..." I sighed, dangling my arms down in front of me. "You know what? I'm sick of living on this island. Me thinks that there's considerably more adventure to be had! Why not try going down to the surface with me?"

"Sure!" King replied. "Let's just see if everyone else agrees!"

ONE DAY LATER...

"Okay, so, they all agreed to leave this place, but it looks like we're going to need the world's biggest orphanage building to hold even half of them all! The rest are going to have to become pets for the humans!" King informed me.

"Well, thankfully, we're floating less than a mile away from the world's biggest orphanage building! It's a freakin' skyscraper! WELCOME TO CHICAGO!" I informed him happily.

"Wait a second...so, all this time, we were floating above Chicago?" King asked confusedly.

"Yup. You heard right, pal." I replied. "What are you waiting for? LET'S GO ALREADY!"

"Hold on a second...uh, Toroko? Are you done eating the raw innards of those baby bunnies and kittens yet?" King asked Toroko.

"I sure am, Daddy! It was abso-wutewy DEE-WICIOUS!" Toroko squealed with satisfaction.

"Do you promise sincerely NOT to eat your fellow Mimiga children?" King asked her.

"I pwomish." Toroko agreed, washing her meal down with strawberry milk.

"Alright, everybody! Follow me to the magic elevator!" I commanded everyone as we all gathered, one load at a time, into the elevator.

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER...

There we were, six people, all tightly packed together inside the tiny little capsule-shaped elevator, heading slowly and painfully down to the Earth's surface.

"Ugh...good God, it smells like Mahin's ass in here!" I groaned.

"Get YOUR butt out of my FACE!" Sue, the blue-sweatered Mimiga girl who was actually a transformed human, growled at me.

"Quit shoving me!" King scolded me.

"It's getting REALLY hot in here!" Chako, the purple-furred, lipstick-wearing prostitute lady of the Mimigas, moaned. "SO hot, in fact, that I just might have to take off all of my clothing in a second!"

"GAHH!" I grunted as my nose suddenly started bleeding at the mere thought of it.

"Oh, you cheeky boy!" she teased me sassily, much to my chagrin.

"You damned whippersnappers remind me of that one damned time when I rode a damned unicycle through a damned cornfield in my damned undergarments!" Zett, the long-eared, crotchety, senile old man of the Mimigas, yelled bitterly at us.

"SAY WHAAAT?!" Megane, the male secretary of the Mimigas, responded in a falsetto voice.

"You just made that up!" Sue yelled at Zett.

"SILENCE!" King yelled, causing everyone to go silent.

"Thank God..." I thought to myself, pulling my hat down over my head and waiting for it to end.

"YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION. PLEASE EXIT NOW." the elevator informed us as we all tumbled out into a big pile of frail and exhausted bodies.

"WHEE! That was so much FUN! Can I do it again? PWEASE? PWETTY PWEASE? PWEASE PWEASE PWEASE PWEASE PWEEEASE?!" Toroko begged us excitedly; she had been waiting for us the whole time, apparently.

"Please kill me. Now." I begged King. "I'll give anything for you to just kill me. Even this." I promised him, licking his big, long, dirty, sweaty, bare feet from top to bottom and even sucking on his glorious toes a little bit while I still had the chance. "Mmm, those feet of yours taste royally scrumptious. Can I do it some more?" I asked him.

"Perhaps later if I feel like it. That really tickled something fierce, by the way..." King replied, blushing. "Alright, Jack, you lead the way."

"Okay, so, the building is right over there next to the Blues Brothers statues. Come on, let's go!" I guided them as they followed me into the building.

We all filled out our registration forms and entered our rooms, with two people occupying each room. Everything seemed pretty nice and cozy for an orphanage home. There were good books, nice beds, and everything you would expect from a typical modern-day American home. Toroko and Sue were occupying the room next door to us.

Luckily, there were also computers, and our room had one of them. "We'll get to working on that thing later." I informed King as we both got into our bed together. Don't ever tell him this, but I also set up a hidden recording camera in the shower so that I could get a full-body, naked view of how he takes showers in his current state. Trust me, this was intended solely for research purposes.


	2. Digging For Gold In The Shower

CHAPTER 2: DIGGING FOR GOLD IN THE SHOWER

The next day, I decided to play an extremely idiotic yet downright hilarious prank on King for comedy relief's sake. After he took his shower, I took my shower and stayed in the shower with the water running for a ridiculously long time. Eventually, King became understandably pissed off and sick of waiting for me to finish my stupid shower and starting pounding forcefully on the bathroom door.

"For f***'s sake, would you PLEASE get out of there!? You've been in there for, like, literally over fifteen f****** minutes! You've wasted all the f****** hot water, you douchebag!" King yelled at me through the door. "Grr..why won't it open? GRR...WHY WON'T THIS F****** DOOR OPEN?!" he screamed furiously, kicking the door down.

"Oh, for the love of Christ, don't tell me you're so goddamned stupid you don't even know the difference between hot and cold..." King groaned, opening the shower door.

"What the hell are you doing?!" King asked with bewilderment, seeing me holding the bar of soap in my hands.

"Look, King, I found a TREASURE!" I told him, trying not to laugh as I held the hairy soap bar up in front of his face.

"That- that's not a treasure, that's soap with my f****** armpit fur on it!" King corrected me.

"Shh...I'm pretending it's a treasure!" I whispered to him, grinning like an idiot.

"Get out of the goddamned shower, you IMBECILE!" King yelled, throwing me forcefully out of the shower in just such a way that I purposefully dropped the soap bar into the toilet.

"Oh no, the treasure went into that underwater cave!" I moaned, biting my jaw to stop myself from busting out laughing as I bobbed my head in the toilet like someone bobbing for apples and retrieved my so-called "treasure".

"GET OUT OF THE GODDAMNED TOILET, YOU WEIRDO!" King yelled, pulling me out from the toilet.

"You saved me from the killer barracuda in that underwater cave, but luckily I found the treasure!" I informed him with mock excitement, my face hurting from trying so hard not to laugh.

"So? Who the hell cares?" King asked, scratching his head in confusion.

"We can sell the King DNA on this soap bar to the science labs for over 9,000 dollars!" I explained to him. "Do you realize what this means, my friend? We can live like kings! WE CAN LIVE LIKE KINNNGS!"

"Just...just get your damned clothes on and take your frickin' meds already, you lunatic." King sighed as I went and did so.

"Anyway," I sighed, trying desperately to stop laughing, "according to several reputable Internet sources including but not necessarily limited to Wikipedia, the Doctor has indeed been revived by his former sidekick witch Misery and is now planning to terrorize everyone on the planet with a giant Godzilla-sized robot."

"Say what?" King asked, cocking an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Exactly." I replied, nodding my head in agreement. "However, knowing what happened the last time our entire race was threatened with eternal slavery and death, I think it's fair to say that almost literally anything could happen at this point."

"You said it, pal." King nodded in agreement. "So, where is his supposed hideout?" King asked.

"I'll hide out with you tonight, buddy...ER, I MEAN, his hideout is right here, in Building 122004!" I informed him, laughing embarrassedly. "Unfortunately, we're gonna need a vehicle in order to get there..."

Suddenly, my cell phone started ringing; the ringtone on it was the chorus from the song "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. King glared at me in disapproval, but I just brushed it off.

"Hello, who is this?" I asked.

"It's me, Sue." Sue replied. "Um, Toroko's acting a little fishy lately."

"OOO, FISH, WHERE?! WHERE!?" Toroko growled.

"I'm lying face-down on the bed, and she won't stop gnawing on my legs as we speak." Sue explained.

"Aww, that's so adorable! Don't worry about it, she just likes you." I replied, hanging up.

"Umm, Toroko, why are you so attached to me lately?" I could hear Sue asking Toroko worriedly through the wall as I leaned my ear against the wall.

"YOU'RE MY...PRECIOUSSS..." Toroko hissed.

"OWW! STOP GNAWING ON MY ARM! BAD GIRL! BAD GIRL! SIT! SIT! I COMMAND YOU TO SIT ON YOUR HIND LEGS AND BARK FOR ME!" Sue screamed.

"ARF, ARF, WOOF!" Toroko obeyed, presumably panting and wagging her tail.

"There, there, that's a good little girl. Have some more catnip." Sue rewarded her.

"Oh, dear God, not THIS s*** again..." I groaned, rolling my eyes and face-palming.

"What's wrong with her? What's wrong with Toroko?" King asked.

"Her canine and feral instincts are taking over." I explained to him. "Looks like I'm gonna have to feed her a carrot. Watch as I magically pull one out of my hat!" I encouraged him, taking my hat off, holding it upside-down and pulling a slightly unclean and moldy carrot out of it.

"That was so NOT magic." King groaned, face-palming.

"Whatever, even if the carrot was covered in s***, at least it'd still work." I reminded him, going over into the girls' room and shoving the carrot into Toroko's mouth.

Surprisingly, it only took her about 30 seconds, rather than a full minute-and-a-half, to eat the carrot. By her standards, I was certainly impressed. "There, do you feel better now?" I asked her.

"Yes, sir!" Toroko replied, giving me the salute.

"Alright, so, Sue...do you have any idea how I can get the money to buy a used motorcycle?" I asked Sue.

"You're gonna have to do chores. Like, a LOT of chores." Sue replied. "Very cruel and unusual ones, too."

"Such as?" I asked.

"Well..." Sue began.

ONE LONG LIST OF RIDICULOUSLY DREADFUL TASKS LATER...

"Wake me up when the cows come home..." I gasped, fainting head-over-heels onto the floor.

THREE LONG DAYS OF DOING THE CHORES-WHICH-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED LATER...

"Alright, now it's time for the last chore." I told King. "Specialty phone operator, eh? I can do that!"

"Umm...oh baby, oh baby, oh baby." I said in a monotone voice over the phone.

"JACK?!" Quote's wife replied.

"Mrs. Brace?!" I replied back, frozen with shock.

"HEY! YOU SCREWIN' MAH WIFE!?" Quote suddenly yelled at me through the phone.

"W-WHAT?!" I stammered in disbelief and confusion.

"YOU DOIN' YOGA SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS WITH MAH WIFE!?" Quote yelled angrily.

"W-WHAT THE F***?!" I responded, slamming the phone down and hanging up. "Jeez Lawheeze, I've never gotten a call quite like THAT one before..."

Meanwhile, King was making his respective call.

"Hey there, honey..." Chako greeted him.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, my dear, but I'm a little on the gay side. Maybe some other time?" King explained.

"You disappoint me, hot stuff. Come on, disappoint me some more...ohh...OHHHHHH..." Chako moaned.

"Alright, that's it, I'm hanging up!" King decided with disgust, slamming the phone down and hanging up just like I did. "That filthy whore..." he muttered.

And so, just like that, we scraped together $120 and were just barely able to afford a used motorcycle with the gas surprisingly included. Through a complex network of radio communication and walkie-talkies (mostly walkie-talkies), we were able to communicate with Sue and Toroko from long distances.

And so me and King set off for Building 122004 on our precious motorcycle, awaiting an important interview with the Doctor. Of course, I was the driver.


	3. The Doctor Loves Children

CHAPTER 3: THE DOCTOR LOVES CHILDREN

Arriving at Building 122004, we hopped off of our motorcycles and went in.

"Hello, we would like to book an appointment with the Doctor." I explained.

"By appointment, do you mean interview?" the lobby secretary, an old human woman with wire-frame secretary glasses asked.

"Yes." I replied, nodding my head.

"Very well then." she confirmed. "However, I'm going to need to quench my raging maternal instincts first." she explained, grabbing me, squeezing me so tightly that my eyeballs almost popped out of their sockets, and nuzzling my ears.

"Oh my god, you're so...CUTE! AWW!" she complimented me, kissing me with her old, wrinkly, soggy, disgusting lips.

"Thank you...(cough)...for your...(wheeze)...patronage..." I choked. "My...ribcage...(gasp)...appreciates it...(wheeze)...dearly..."

Finally, she let go of me, leaving me lying on the floor, barely alive from how hard she had just hugged me.

"You know, I was about to complain about how Mama always loved you best, but on second thought I think I'd rather not." King whispered in my ear, grabbing my left leg and dragging my borderline-unconscious body to the elevator.

"AHEM. This elevator is for employees only. TAKE THE GUEST ELEVATOR!" some random business employee standing in the elevator suddenly informed King out of nowhere. Guess what the guest "elevator" was?

Yup, you guessed it. The guest "elevator" was literally a giant square spiral staircase that went all the way up to the top floor. As King dragged me up the staircase, my head was repeatedly smacking against each stair.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow." I said repeatedly as we ascended the staircase.

Finally, we reached the top and entered Room 420, where Misery and the Doctor were waiting for us. Thankfully, I had recovered from my injury and was able to stand up and walk again.

"Greetings, old friends." the Doctor greeted us sarcastically; although he was no longer wearing the Demon Crown, his messy green hair still made him look sinister for some odd reason. He looked...like the type of person you would most likely see driving an ice-cream truck in Detroit.

"Are you GLAD to see us again after such a...LONG time?" the Doctor asked us even more sarcastically.

"I'M GOING TO F****** MURDER YOU, YOU SICK F***!" King screamed, almost lunging at the Doctor.

"Uh uh uhh!" Misery warned him, wagging her finger at him. "You wouldn't want lightning to srtike twice now, would you?"

"Very well then." King groaned.

"Ha ha ha...well, you see, you aren't actually...legally allowed to kill me right now, you see, because if you do...well, you'll be thrown in jail." the Doctor explained with a shite-eating grin.

"And we wouldn't want THAT, now would we?" Misery teased.

"Oh, f*** off! I get it, okay? You two are sick bastards. Can we please just get to the real discussion at hand now?" King asked.

"Sure!" Misery answered with a nod, teleporting Sue and Toroko into the room.

"Umm...w-what's going on here?!" Sue stammered.

"And where's my peanut-butter-and-jewwy sandwich!?" Toroko asked angrily. "I'm so hungwy I could eat somebody wight now!"

"OH, CRAP!" I gasped, jumping back in my chair.

"Ha ha, just kidding!" Toroko giggled.

"What have you two DONE to this sweet, adorable, innocent little girl? You two should be ashamed of yourselves!" the Doctor scolded me and King.

"No, actually, I'm afraid the real question is what have YOU done to these sweet, adorable, innocent little girls?" I asked him. "Personally, I think you've been...touching them. Fingering them, if you will."

"W-WHAT THE F***?! Y-YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROOF OF WHAT YOU JUST SAID!" the Doctor yelled furiously at me, struggling to maintain his composure.

"Dammit! You want proof?! I'll SHOW you proof! Here are some secret SPY CAMERA photographs that show, in great detail, WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO THESE GIRLS!" I yelled back at him, summoning the folder out of my infinite-storage belt pouch and slamming it onto the projector.

"LET'S SEE HERE...FIRST, you secretly ordered Misery to trap Toroko inside a bubble on PURPOSE so that you could RAPE her! And you DID rape her, too! Don't lie, you son of a bitch!" I showed him.

"I did NOT touch her! You're LYING! I did NOT fondle her soft, plump breasts! I DID NOT!" the Doctor argued.

"NEXT, you instructed Misery to go and kidnap SUE so that you could RAPE and FONDLE and FINGER and...f****** whatever HER as WELL! KNOWING that she was actually your f****** DAUGHTER of all people, you sick bastard!" I continued to show him.

"Why, you INSOLENT little scoundrel, you don't know the HALF of it!" the Doctor raged at me.

"And, not to mention, last but not LEAST...you turned Sue into a half-Mimiga, half-human hybrid with giant adult-sized tits and were also planning to rape ME as well! YOU MOTHERF*****!" I raged back at him.

"SO...what do you think of the Doctor NOW, my dear?" Misery asked me, seemingly joining my side.

"DID YOU HEAR THAT, DOC!? You're going to PAY!" I yelled at him.

"He's a molester...HE'S A _CHIIIIIIIIILD_ MOLESTER!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, my voice suddenly inexplicably cracking into a ludicrous falsetto during the word "child" and then reverting back to normal.

"AAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!" I screamed wildly as I threw a bust of Sigmund Freud right through the window, climbed onto the windowsill and jumped out, with Sue, Toroko and King following along behind me before the Doctor was even able to process what in the hell had just happened.

"YEAH, YOU'D BETTER RUN! YOU LIARS!" the Doctor yelled at us; luckily, we had placed a mattress underneath the window beforehand, so we all landed on the mattress and were unharmed. Sue and Toroko took a taxi back home, while King and I rode back home on our motorcycle.


	4. War Of The Words

CHAPTER 4: WAR OF THE WORDS

Back at the orphanage, we got all of our stuff together and prepared for the Doctor's uprising. I got my metal baseball bat and a garbage-can lid, and King got his lightsaber. All of the other 48 Mimigas in our army had...well, metal baseball bats and garbage can lids.

Meanwhile, the Doctor, being an asshole show-off, was making Facebook posts about the "massive" 100-robot army he had accumulated.

"HA! Whaddaya you gonna do, shoot wimpy-ass lasers at us? What is this, frickin' Star Wars?" I taunted him through Facebook text messaging.

"Well...that, yes, but also...I have a giant MECH OF MYSELF! It even has my EARWAX!" the Doctor texted back boastfully, showing off numerous photos of it.

"Okay, we're fucked." King told me.

"Actually, if one of us can find a way to sneak inside one of that thing's ears while it isn't looking, we might be able to win this. The real question is, who will it be?" I wondered.

Turning around in my swivel-chair, I realized that every single Mimiga in the room (there were like 20 of them) was staring straight at me. "Oh, god DAMN it..." I groaned, hanging my tongue out in disgust. "Well, if I can wax a Corvette, I guess I can handle _getting_ waxed with the Corvette logo on my hat..." I thought to myself.

"That man fingered me wight in my va-jay-jay!" Toroko wailed.

"He murdered me and nearly drove my brother to suicide!" King growled angrily.

"He turned me into an Internet porn star!" Sue sobbed.

"He didn't even pay me after sleeping with me!" Chako whined.

"He called me OLD MAN!" Zett yelled, readjusting his cane and tripping over his own beard.

"And we're going to kick. His. Bespectacled. Ass." I concluded. "NOW LET'S GO! CHARGE!"

And so my army, including King, charged into action. The robots were indeed quite weak; they were only a foot taller than us and were about the same model as Quote, with almost no close-range combat ability or physical strength whatsoever. However, there were a lot of them, and we were outnumbered.

Luckily, King and Toroko were wrecking shop. As I climbed up to the roof of the orphanage skyscraper, I called Toroko on my walkie-talkie and asked her something that was on my mind.

"What do you plan to do with the Doctor's robot hospital and day-care?" I asked Toroko as I stepped out onto the roof.

"I donated a whole bunch of cute, cuddly widdle teddy Mimigas to them. The catch is, THEY'RE AWW WIGGED WITH NAIWS AND EXPWOSIVES! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Toroko laughed maniacally.

Hanging up, I grinned with satisfaction as I watched those two buildings explode and collapse off in the distance. "I enjoy brutally slaughtering opposing armies of innocent people." I thought to myself. "It's like a good Chinese dinner, ya know? With the sweet, and the sour?"

"As I smile with delight, watching the world of the sinners burn like hell on a summer day...of course, that's the sweet! And as they scream for their fucking lives...well...that's the sour." I concluded, popping open a Jack Daniels beer bottle and chugging it down, because...well, you know, because I'm Jack. Duh.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Misery asked me as she levitated in midair, having suddenly appeared out of nowhere to face me. "Shouldn't you be fighting?"

"Oh, no, I'm the guy who's supposed to watch over all of the fighting. Pretty boring job, I know." I replied. "But...you know, a nerd's gotta do what a nerd's gotta do."

"Hmm...good point." Misery agreed. "But you wanna know why I'm here?"

"Umm...you're here to help me?" I asked her curiously, shrugging.

"Nope! I'm here to KILL you." she reminded me rather abruptly. "Do you really think I CARE that the Doctor is a child molester, regardless of how comedically obvious it is? The Doctor is the closest thing to family I have left."

"But...I thought you were supposed to be a good guy now!" I stammered in shock.

"Looks can be decieving, pal." she replied.

"But...you ordered your former sidekick, Balrog, to rescue Quote and his wife Curly from certain death!" I argued with her.

"I only did that because I was feeling NICE!" she bit back. "You really think I LIKED those two? Those goody-goody two-shoes morons wouldn't know moral subtlety if it literally came and bit them in the ass!"

"Speaking of which...where IS Balrog?" I asked her.

"Right HERE, baby!" Balrog said, suddenly falling from the sky and landing on the roof, somehow not smashing through it with his sheer metallic weight.

There he was; the one, the only, the legend. Balrog, in all of his memetic giant-toaster glory. "HUZZAH!" he beckoned to the heavens.

"So, I heard you been smashin' s*** up and disobeyin' the orders of us proud self-respectin' bad guys." Balrog told me. "Are you ready to get FINGERED!?"

"OH, NO, we are NOT playing this freaking game again!" I told him. "Fight like a man or DIE!"

"Are you disrespectin' me?!" Balrog growled.

"Maybe." I replied with an incredibly smug smirk.

"Okay, that's it, NO MERCY! This time, I'm gonna break you for REAL! I'm gonna break you so hard, your mother's brother's cousin's sister's uncle won't even recognize you by the time I'm through with- WAAAAAAAAAAH!" he started blubbering like a baby after I hit him in the face with my baseball bat.

"You know what?" Misery told me. "As punishment for your blatant disrespect, I am going to cast my ultimate spell...what was it again? Oh, f*** it, I'm just going to drop a giant fricking rock on top of you!"

"WHOA!" I lunged out of the way right when she swung the rock down, crushing Balrog. "Well, there goes your freaking sidekick, Einstein!"

"Meh, good riddance anyways." Misery smirked, filing her nails for no apparent reason. "Anyway, back to the discussion at hand. What were you going to say again?"

"You murdered, raped and enslaved innocent widdle bunny-wunnies!" I yelled at her.

"It was a means to an end!" she yelled back.

"You took advantage of the global economy system to get more money to spend on clothes-shopping and villainy!" I yelled at her.

"I-w-well, that isn't exactly something I can argue with..." she groaned.

"You called me a Russian stereotype!" I yelled at her.

"Well, I mean...just LOOK at yourself!" she yelled back.

"YOU BETRAYED THE LAW!" I yelled at her.

"LOL!" she yelled back, lowering herself down onto the roof.

"Why'd you do it, Misery?" I asked her, punching her in the face.

"Because I CAN!" she replied, kicking me in the gut. "Because making little people like you, and the MORONS who run this orphanage, eat out of the palm of my hand feels GREAT!"

"But I never did anything to you!" I argued with her, kicking her in the vag.

"You would've if I'd given you the chance!" she argued back, smacking me upside the head with her staff. "Face it, Jack: I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!"

"Oh, congratulations! You're SMARTER than me!" I complimented her sarcastically, stomping on her foot and tripping her over. "You hate everyone and everyone hates you! Freaking GENIUS!" I yelled at her, slamming her with my baseball bat while she was down.

"The DOCTOR likes me!" she argued, teleporting over to the opposite side of the roof and firing a barrage of magic bullets at me; luckily, I blocked it with my garbage-can-lid shield.

"I set him up, turned your DUMB little island into a battleground, got innocent Mimigas executed, UNFAIRLY, put several others including you into therapy, stole candy from Toroko all the way back when she was literally just a freaking adorable cuddly little baby, AND HE STILL LIKES ME!" she screamed, throwing a magic ball of pure concentrated hate at me.

"I F****** HATE YOU!" I yelled at her, deflecting the ball with my bat.

"YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG!" she yelled back, deflecting it back to me.

"YOU'RE A BITCH!" I yelled at her, deflecting the ball with my bat once more.

"YOUR FATHER WAS A COWARD AND A FRAUD!" she yelled back, deflecting it back to me once more.

"YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!" I screamed at her, channeling all of my inner rage into one last swing.

The ball hit her right in the chest, electrocuting her and completely exhausting her, leaving her lying defenselessly on the floor.

"Oh...oh my God...are...are you okay?" I asked her, running over to help her. "I-I'm really sorry."

"Don't be." Misery told me, struggling to keep her breath. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have been so arrogant and close-minded. I apologize for everything I've done to both you and your fellow Mimiga brethren. Please understand."

"I understand..." I sighed. "Could you teleport me into that giant death robot's ear, please?"

"That's no fun." Misery chuckled. "How about...this instead?" she whispered, using her magic to turn the V-shaped Corvette logo on my hat into...

"A rocket-propelled, V-shaped hang glider?" I asked in bewilderment. "How in the hell am I supposed to get all the way over there with THIS thing?"

"Just...believe in yourself..." she croaked, uttering her last breath.

"That's it, it's showtime." I muttered as the Doctor's giant robot approached me.

"For all the men you slaughtered...

For all the houses you demolished...

For all the children you raped...

For all the post-traumatic stress disorder you brought upon me...

And for putting me into the same jail cell that Mahin was occupying...

I am going to freaking end you."

Right then and there, with what I thought were going to be my last words for good, I ran as fast as possible and jumped off the very edge of the roof just as the giant green-haired robot's barrage of missiles and eye lasers tore the building apart faster than you could say "they killed Kenny".

I was clinging tightly to the handle of my weird-ass new hang glider as I did so. Surprisingly, this actually triggered the rocket propellers on its wings! Using this wicked discovery (and the Doctor being distracted by his focus on destroying the orphanage) to my advantage, I flew directly into his giant robot's ear, setting a crash course straight for Grossville.

"Looks like it's about time I got inside this man's head..." I thought to myself, smirking.


	5. In One Ear, Out The Other

CHAPTER 5: IN ONE EAR, OUT THE OTHER

"OOF! OW! D'OH! URK! OUCH!" I yelled in pain, making a very rough-and-tumble crash-landing inside the enormous robot's left ear canal. "Well, I don't see any wax in here whatsoever..."

"INTRUDER ALERT!" the security system suddenly alerted the Doctor, spraying me all over with some kind of liquid earwax stuff.

"Dammit, I hate it when people are right..." I groaned, trudging through the rest of the tunnel until I reached the central control room where the Doctor was controlling his robot.

"Ugh...you're a REAL persistent one, aren't you?" the Doctor sighed, looking at me through the rear-view cam of his control monitor. "You could have just wiped your feet somewhere rather than tracking that disgusting earwax into my private control room, you inconsiderate little scamp."

"I'm gonna get you, Doctor, dead or alive. Oh, and by the way...I was just kidding about the 'alive' part." I told him.

"Is that seriously the cheesiest line you've got?" the Doctor sighed. "How about this: I am going to ROYALLY flush both you AND King down the festering, putrid, s****y, unclean, municipal TOILET of society!"

"Not on my watch." I talked back to him.

"Well, on my watch, it says it's about noon right now." he replied smugly.

"JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!" I snapped at him, charging straight at him.

"Uh uh uhh!" the Doctor teased me as the invisible forcefield around his control monitor knocked me back.

"HEY, NO FORCEFIELDS!" I yelled at him.

"Well, how else am I going to keep you filthy, snot-nosed little pests away from me? Perhaps I should hire a child exterminator! Oh, wait...I ALREADY HAVE!" the Doctor laughed arrogantly.

Realizing that the only way to stop the Doctor at this point would be to annoy him enough to distract him from his current job of controlling his robot, I did the unthinkable. I resorted to Tom Green's style of comedy.

"Hey! Look at me!" I begged him for attention. "Lookatme, lookatme! Lookatme, lookatme, lookatme, lookatme, lookatme, lookatme, lookatme!"

"Hey, what do you call a guy with _earwax_ on his _face?_ " I asked him. _"The earwax face! The earwax face!"_ He just rolled his eyes and continued stomping on people with his robot.

Realizing that I was clearly going to have to take drastic measures, I threw my padded vest off, rendering myself completely naked except for my headgear, and grabbed onto my... _ahem_... _ **love handle.**_

"Look at me! I'm SEXY! I'M A SEXY BOY!" I begged him.

"DINNNG DONNNG!" I yelled as I began running in circles around the room, swinging my schlong back and forth. "DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG!"

"Ooo, you can't hurt me! YOU CAN'T HURT ME!" I rambled maniacally, writhing wildly on the floor. "NOT WITH MY...EARWAX HELMET! NOT WITH MY...EARWAX HELMET!"

"DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG!" I continued yelling as I crab-walked across the room. "HUAAAAAAH! HUAAAAAAH!" I suddenly screamed for no apparent reason, because everyone knows that screaming things at the top of your lungs automatically makes them funny.

"I CAN'T GET IT OFF OF MY HEAD! I CAN'T GET IT OFF OF MY HEAD!" I continued rambling as I pulled a can of pepper spray out of my hat and sprayed myself with it; luckily, I was wearing glasses, so it actually had no effect whatsoever.

"MY EYEEES! OWW, MY EYEEES!" I screamed in fake pain, leaning forward and covering my face with my hands.

"Mommy...Mommy...MOMMY! MOMMY!" I yelled like an idiot, crawling on the floor like a baby and retrieving my baseball bat and shield.

"ARRRRRRGH!" the Doctor exploded with rage. "YOU F****** ANNOYING LITTLE S***! GET OVER HERE!" he screamed at me, charging straight at me with his fists readied.

"PSYCHE!" I snickered, tripping him over with my leg and beating the s*** out of him to make sure that he wouldn't get back up. Pulling his pants down, I

(SCENE MISSING)

"YEAH, how do YOU like that, HUH? HOW DO YOU F****** LIKE THAT?!" I yelled at him, kicking him in the side and putting my vest back on.

"I think I'm going to go kill myself now..." the Doctor said, staggering back up onto his feet, triggering the self-destruct (which disabled his forcefield), and walking out through his robot's right ear, presumably to jump out and fall to his death.

"Geez, it's always in one ear and out the other with these folks, isn't it?" I joked.

There wasn't much time to celebrate, though, because a mysterious man known only as the Masked Mimiga suddenly appeared out of nowhere, right when I least expected it!


	6. The Fallen Hero

CHAPTER 6: THE MASKED MIMIGA

The Masked Mimiga appeared to be a cyborg Mimiga just like King; I couldn't quite figure out who he was, but he definitely looked familiar. Also, he had a lightsaber just like King's,except that this one was red instead of blue.

"SELF-DESTRUCT IN THREE MINUTES." the security system alerted us.

"Greetings, young warrior. I am the Masked Mimiga." he greeted me with an oddly welcoming tone, brandishing his lightsaber and slowly walking toward me as I cowered up against the wall. "I am here to kill you. Hello and...goodbye!"

"OH NO, YOU DON'T!" King yelled, suddenly teleporting into the room (presumably thanks to Misery's powers or some s***) and stopping the Masked Mimiga in his tracks.

"Umm...how did YOU get here?" I asked King.

"Fanfiction logic. Don't question it." King answered with a wink.

"Anyway, about you..." King addressed the Masked Mimiga, turning around to face him, "You have been a menace to our race for quite some time now. We have recieved numerous reports of you...killing younglings."

"Is that supposed to be a euphemism for masturbation?" the Masked Mimiga asked sarcastically, trying not to laugh.

"Well, aren't YOU the clever one!" King laughed, engaging in a lightsaber duel with his new adversary.

"WOO HOO! Better than pro wrestling! GO KING! GO KING! GO KING! GO KING!" I cheered from the sidelines, eating potato chips.

"WHO ARE YOU?!" King demanded to know as he and his adversary exchanged dramatic sword blows in an epic clash of the Star Wars ripoffs. If I'd still had my beer bottle on hand, I probably would've made up a drinking game for every time one of them backflipped over, front-flipped over, or rolled under the other's lightsaber swing.

"SELF-DESTRUCT IN TWO MINUTES." the security system alerted us.

"Jack never told you what happened to your father." the Masked Mimiga told King as the two of them continued clashing with each other, with Arthur backed up against the giant glass(es) window of the room.

"He told me enough!" King bit back at him as the two of them became interlocked into a lightsaber tug-of-war. "He told me the Red Ogre killed him!"

 _"NO!"_ the Masked Mimiga corrected him. _"I AM YOUR FATHER."_

 _"SAY WHAAAT?!"_ Iresponded with mild surprise, despite the fact that this trope had already been done to death ever since the original Star Wars.

"No...NO...T-THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" King argued.

"Look deep within yourself." Arthur advised him. "You know it to be true."

 _"NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOO!"_ King screamed.

"Oh, come on, don't be such a baby." Arthur sighed.

"GRR...TAKE THIS!" In his surprisingly well-controlled rage, King purposefully fired his eye laser in a huge circle around Arthur, making it look as if anger had clouded his vision.

"HA! FOOL! You missed me!" Arthur laughed.

"We'll see who's laughing NOW!" King snapped at him, shoving him into the newly-made hole in the window.

"WHAT THE- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Arthur screamed as he fell to his death.

"A truly pathetic fate for a truly pathetic man." King spat. "Hey, Jack, what do you say we go out for burgers tonight?"

"You said it, pal!" I agreed joyfully, leaping into the air and giving him the high-five of approval.

"SELF-DESTRUCT IN FOURTY-TWO SECONDS." the security system informed us.

"Come on, buddy, let's hightail it out of here!" I reminded him as we both fled through the robot's right ear and rode back down to ground level on my hang glider, landing on the sidewalk right next to the demolished remains of the orphanage.

"Gee, it sure is boring around here..." I sarcastically pointed out as burning buildings, screaming civilians and ambulance sirens filled the air.

"Say, where'd you get that snazzy hang glider?" King asked.

"Oh, only by having the world's coolest hat emblem!" I bragged smugly, crossing my arms.

"Well, there's no time to brag!" King told me. "If and when we ever go back home to the island, we have an urgent mission to accomplish! WE MUST...clean that hard-to-reach place under the fridge!"

"Right after I work out my post-traumatic stress disorder..." I groaned, clutching the sides of my aching head. "The way I feel right now, even spring cleaning has lost its subtle charm..."

"Oh, don't feew so bad! You've stiw got miwwions of days to spend wif ME!" Toroko giggled.

"Yeah, just make sure she doesn't...get to you." I was reminded by Sue, who currently was in a wheelchair and had casts on her right leg and left arm, along with half of her face being covered with bandages. "Make sure you give her bones or else THIS will happen to you! Or worse!"

Wincing and shuddering at the thought of what Sue had just told me, I suddenly saw some random guy who was dressed like a Pokémon trainer running straight toward me from across the street. At first I didn't quite remember who it was, but then it suddenly hit me!

"OH, S***, IT'S QUOTE! AND HE'S GOT A WHIP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" I screamed.

And so the story ended just like that, with Quote chasing me all the way across town until he couldn't chase me no more.

"Hahh...hahh...hahh..." he panted, getting out his keg of motor oil and guzzling the rest of it down, burping out fire after doing so. "Did you...fornicate...with...my wife?" he asked me surprisingly politely.

"For crying out loud, I did not f*** her! I DID NOT! YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, QUOTE!" I yelled angrily at him.

"Oh yeah? Well, let's see what these photographs have to say about THAT!" he countered, showing me a bunch of badly-photoshopped pictures.

"Are you fricking kidding me? That's literally just YOUR private bed photos with my face crappily edited onto YOUR fricking body!" I pointed out.

"I WAS FROZEN TODAY!" Quote yelled at me.

Not knowing how to respond to something so random, I decided to just suck it up and tell him what happened. "Toroko got fingered."

"I don't wanna live on this planet anymore." Quote told me, pulling out his revolver and shooting himself in the face.

"Well...that's all, folks!" I concluded.

THE END


End file.
